
How’s that for a “click bait” title after a 3+ year hiatus?! But the universe keeps throwing me thought-provoking articles & stories this week touching on gender & parenthood (& which also highlight some of the many misconceptions of trans & non-binary people).
NB: I am a cis woman & try to be a trans ally. I am not trying to substitute my voice for those of trans folks. But I also feel compelled to speak out because I don’t think cis women stand up to say “enough” enough.
Onto the recent media… First, I saw a beautiful & peaceful mini-documentary about a trans man becoming pregnant & giving birth to his daughter. The NYT has also published some awful pieces on trans issues, but this was really touching & open-hearted. (In non-parenting news, the NYT also published a very sweet piece on how non-binary people dress for the office, including an attorney.) Then, I also learned that La Leche League has expanded their vocabulary & support services to include transgender & non-binary parents.
Yay! But not everyone is so excited about these changes. I won’t link to it, but at least one former LLL leader has left the organization in a huff (or should I say, with her bra in a bunch) because, well… unfortunately, like many others, she doesn’t understand & feels threatened by transgender & non-binary folks. And the comments to the touching NYT documentary were depressingly filled with uninformed opinions and misunderstandings about trans people. Not to mention a lot of cis voices opining on trans bodies. An oft-repeated trope, as always, was that trans people (or trans stories) are “erasing women.”
Which got me thinking… Why do us cis people have so many opinions about trans people? Why do TERFs feel so afraid? So threatened? Why do so many cis people care so much about other people’s genitalia? Children’s genitalia?
And… if I’m honest, why am I not a TERF, considering I perhaps share some of their broad concerns (when viewed in their most flattering light… e.g. moving feminism forward & protecting women)?
I mean, I’m a middle-aged cis woman who has birthed 2 biological children. Pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, motherhood—These have been profound, empowering experiences for me, spiritually & biologically. I’m in awe of it all & would do it over & over again if I weren’t too old (& also: hands full!).
My identity has been deeply tied to my experience with the biological miracle of birth. To my experience of womanhood through motherhood. And even the less fun stuff, like periods & birth control. I feel my womanhood deeply. And I care about women & mothers.
In short, I identify closely with women’s issues. Feminism. Women’s health. Women’s safety. Women’s progress.
So, isn’t it offensive to be identified (or identifiable) as cis and not just a woman? Isn’t it erasure for gestators to be referred to as pregnant people, not pregnant women? Or menstrators as people who menstruate and not just women? Period? (Pun intended.)
And, yet… a small linguistic shift toward inclusivity doesn’t mean, poof, I’m gone. The world will still have to deal with me as I am.
Why should I feel offended or slighted or minimized to share pregnancy with trans men or womenhood with trans women? The issue of human rights is not complicated. Yet gender is complicated. And, somehow, the fact that gender is complicated has complicated the issue of basic human rights for trans and non-binary people.
And, yes, this is about human rights. I had a deep, stirring desire to be a parent; how can I not accept that same pull in someone else? I want to be free to embody my own version of femininity. How can I deny that freedom to others?
So, speaking from one cis to another (yes… another pun…) I’d like to try to articulate why cis people (& cis women in particular) should stop opining ad nauseum about trans lives. We, too, can stand up & say enough to the TERFs who use feminism as a cudgel or to gender traditionalists who claim to be a “silent majority” fearful of a fragile super-minority.
First, I refuse to allow a scarcity mindset turn me into a bigot. It’s a story as old as time. Or at least as old as the birth of civilization. One oppressed group attempts to seize a tiny slice of power by turning on another oppressed group. It’s a major theme of racism in America. Ditto transphobia.
I’m not saying TERFs or cis women (or, more specifically, white cis women) are “oppressed.” But I think there is a worry among certain cis women (looking at you, JKR!) that the gains feminists have made over the past 100+ years will somehow be diluted if folks assigned male at birth (AMAB) are allowed to join the ranks of us women who have worked so hard for equality with men (or to distinguish ourselves from men, depending on the wave…).
But I have a hard time believing that linking arms with a subset of women who have a rougher go at it than me will make me less of a woman. I actually think the opposite is more likely true, because there is strength in numbers (& diversity). I mean, hasn’t feminism been down this road before, with rifts between the different waves of feminists or with white erasure of the work of black feminists actually weakening the cause overall? TERFs are dividing women & feminists. They are the distraction & the rift, not trans & non-binary folks.
Second, most feminists already embrace the reality that parenthood, motherhood, & womanhood (gender, more broadly) are all highly individualized concepts—no two women, no two families express these things in the same way.
My friend who opted to formula feed from day one does not make me feel that she is less womanly, less motherly, or less right in her parenting decisions just because I breastfed. Ditto my lesbian friends, whose families look different (but aren’t actually all that different) from my own. Ditto my “stay-at-home” mom (& “stay-at-home” dad) friends, who are (in a traditional sense) perhaps more motherly than me.
The fact that trans people have a right to exist in my space does not mean that my lived experience is suddenly POOF. Gone. I can still have my mom friends. We can still complain about peri-menopause & menopause. There are still online places where I can find information on these & other uterus-related topics. My ObGyn will still be available for my well-checks. Women. Still. Exist. Cis and trans women will still exist.
(Side bar: What does it even mean when folks complain/fear-monger that women will no longer exist if trans women are women? Think about it. I’ll wait. . . . It’s really just word salad, right? We can coexist with many, many different types of people. Aside from a fringe TERF theory that women literally will disappear into an a-gender blob, there really is no there there. It is more like a toddler fearing the birth of a new baby. They believe on some level that the new baby will replace them. But then the new baby arrives & eventually the toddler learns that their parents’ hearts have grown, that they are still part of the family—a special part of the family, even. Women are not toddlers. We can do better than regurgitate a theory that is as illogical as the toddler’s fear of erasure, and without all the validation of feelings a toddler might need.)
And if there is a trans woman in any of my traditionally cis womanly spaces, guess what? Well, those spaces would probably be richer for the diversity of gender expressions. Because, at the end of the day, we are all expressing our gender differently. I don’t want anyone telling me how to be a woman. And, in turn, I refuse to tell anyone else how they should (or shouldn’t be) a woman (or a man).
But “[m]y life has a has been shaped by being female,” whines one famous TERF, insisting that “sex is real.” She may be partially right. To a point.
I have experienced sexism, but I have also experienced great joy, being “female.” That is my reality & I imagine the reality of a great many people on this earth. That out (our) is complicated doesn’t make it precious or eternal. (So, really, the “sex is real” argument is just more word salad.)
Our stories, even our collective stories, are still just stories. These stories may feel meaningful or full of emotion. They may feel urgent or precarious. But there is freedom in letting those stories go. Or at least loosening our grip a bit.
Because there is freedom in closing your eyes & listening (deeply) to the stories of others. Freedom for you & freedom for them. In centering other voices & narratives, we realize our stories are not so universal but also not so different.
Listen to trans & non-binary voices.
P.S. There are two other tropes I see over & over again that deserve some attention: First, the comment or observation “if my kid came to me & said …” Look, I’m sure you love your child with all your heart, but here’s one thing I’ve learned on my parenting journey: You don’t know until you know. This goes along with the second trope, which assumes that trans people (or the parents of trans kids) are unsophisticated boobs when it comes to science & are popping hormones (or feeding their kids hormone blockers) without first consulting a knowledgeable doctor & seriously considering the side effects. Why would I assume to know better? Especially if I myself have never faced such decisions or considered them on a deep, personal level?
Both of these tropes are based on assumptions, not knowledge. I’ll say it again because it’s worth repeating: You don’t know until you know.
I used to think ADHD was over-diagnosed & that ADHD medicines were harmful for children’s development. But I didn’t know & I felt ashamed even to have held those assumptions after a friend’s child went on said meds. They talked to their doctor(s). They researched & asked questions. They considered the side effects & possible outcomes. I had only thought, “not my kid!” or “if my kid…”
Trans issues for trans people & parents of trans kids & are similar. Unless you’re a doctor who is knowledgeable & specialized in gender affirming care. Just. Don’t.
The truth is that a lot of trans & non-binary kids face rejection from their families due to some of these false assumptions that are taken up by well-meaning adults in their lives. Even if it’s just word salad, it can have serious consequences when wielded to reject children or deny the lived reality of someone who doesn’t act or exist in the ways you expect or want them to. Let kindness guide you. Please.