Doubt

Well that didn’t take long!

I just finished week one at my new gig & it’s amazing how doubt has managed to flood my brain.

I don’t know enough about this area of law! I can’t possibly complete this first major assignment! I will never see my son again! I will never be able to cook (or help plan) a healthy meal again! I’ll never go to another yoga class… Sleep soundly… Talk with MFA Dad… Earn my client’s trust… Live up to my boss’s expectations!

Oh, the doubts & insecurities.

What it boils down to is this: I have a neurotic difficulty with transitions. I know this about myself. But while I made sure the freezer was stocked with soups & leftovers… While I picked out my work outfits for the week… I didn’t take 30 minutes to mentally prepare myself for the stress I was about to encounter. I didn’t go to a yoga class (which for me is a great stress reliever) & I didn’t schedule a massage (even though I have a gift certificate for my all-time favorite spot).

It’s hard to come face to face with our imperfections sometimes & I simply thought that by acknowledging the impending stressor, I could handle it.

I can’t & as a result I’m exhausted.

It’s also really difficult to start a new job while trying to maintain some semblance of a family life. I want to throw myself into my new job, but I want to see T before he goes to sleep in the evenings. I want to demonstrate my dedication & professionalism at work, but I also don’t want to set expectations that I cannot sustain (i.e. I’m so not the person who is going to stay late day in & day out, so why stay extra late now & pretend that’s me?).

I will strive to meet the high bar that has been set for me, but I don’t have to do it all now. One foot in front of the next right? First impressions are important, so I just need to focus on what I can accomplish instead of giving myself space to nurture my insecurities.

By the same token, I may not be spending oodles of time right now with T… but that’s OK. I’m letting that worry go because we have other ways to connect (another post) & he is truly in good hands when he’s not in mine. This adjustment period is temporary & we will find our routine & balance soon. (Besides, it’s not like my last job was a cake walk or allowed for free afternoons at home… I’ve just been spoiled by having 2 weeks off & taking T to the park every day…)

I could take a stroll down mommy guilt lane, but really… what would that change? I would still have to go to work every day. I would just be miserable at the thought of leaving T instead of excited about going to my new job! It seems hardly worth it.

The truth is that I hate saying goodbye to T in the morning. I hate having to scuttle him off to bed shortly after I get home. But I love being a lawyer. I love my job.

I can accept my roles as primary breadwinner (with all the stresses that role sometimes encompasses) & lawyer (ditto) & mother (ditto). I can also accept that I perform each role to varying degrees of success & sometimes I falter.

End sob story… Time to put my shoulder to the wheel! (Not that I really know what that even means… I need a weekend!)

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2 Comments

Filed under Attachment Parenting, Feminism, Lawyering, Living, Mothering, Parenting

2 responses to “Doubt

  1. Glad you like your job! It’s so hard to start new things. I feel for you. Here’s to more balance soon.

  2. 1createblogs

    thanks ! nice post !

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