It’s my birthday! And it’s a beautiful fall day. So, I thought I’d post something uplifting, if not entirely light.
I have a number of light posts I’m working on, but there aren’t enough hours in the day & there definitely isn’t enough horsepower in my brain to get them all out. I’m trying though! And with that, here’s what I hope is my last miscarriage post for a while…
Is it possible to occupy two mental states at one time, even though they seem to be in complete opposition with each other?
Trying but not striving. Sadness & joy. Disappointment & gratitude. Hope but not desire.
I don’t know, but I hope the answer is “yes.” I believe it is. At least, I’m trying!
I’ve been walking the road of trying to conceive & miscarriage & heartbreak for almost two years now. All of this has taken its toll on me, my relationships, my family.
I’ve decided I’ve had enough.
We are not going to give up. In fact, we are about to ratchet up our efforts.
But I’m choosing peace.
Finally. I am choosing peace. I don’t quite know how, but I know that I can be at peace with the now. I can stop the maddening up & down emotional roller coaster.
After all, “now” isn’t so bad. I am healthy (even if something isn’t quite working right). I have a beautiful little family & an awesome partner. My family & friends are supportive & loving. We have a comfortable home & abundant food. We even manage to have some fun, even if it does sometimes feel like there is less joy lately.
Do I wish we could have a second child? Yes! Do I wonder what’s wrong, what’s preventing us from carrying a baby to term? Hell, yes!
But I have been lucky in love & in life. As my dad often says, even when things are difficult, “life is good.”
Because even when life isn’t good, maybe it is.
And there’s the proof that I can feel, & be, two conflicting things at once. It’s so clear when I pause to observe my life right now. In this very moment…
Life is good, even when it isn’t. There is nothing lacking, even though my heart has room for more.
It has taken me a long time (& a lot of emotional & spiritual work) to get to this point. A point where I can choose peace & joy over sadness & anger.
It has been well over a year since my first miscarriage & in that time I have lived an existence where every time I got my period felt like a miscarriage of sorts. That is the emotional pain I have been living with just about every month. A bitter disappointment & an emptiness. Yet another denial of what I so desired with a feeling in my gut more powerful than anything I have felt before.
Of course, that desire is at the heart of the problem. My initial error was in mistaking an openness for desire. I see that now (thanks to much introspection & meditation & discussions with MFA Dad & my therapist).
I cannot go back in time (in fact, I think I needed to walk that path to get to today), but I can correct my error. I am open to more children, but I am committed to the child I have. I am committed to my partner. I am committed to my family, my friends, my community. I am committed to myself. Right now.
Because, truly, there is nothing lacking.
In fact, there is abundance. And even on this often painful journey, I have discovered more. More love, more thoughtfulness, more spirit, more empathy, more compassion, more gratitude. Maybe even more joy.
Once I decided to get off the rollercoaster (& really, not only is a roller coaster full of unexpected ups & downs… it is also a loop that takes you exactly nowhere), I was able to pause. Take a deep breath. Get my bearings.
Making a plan has helped enormously. As has taking a break from the whole baby project.
Just living life, with all that entails. Being happy. Losing my temper. Yard work. Hugs. Rainy days. Sunny mornings. Meditating. Doing yoga. Skipping the yoga. Cooking. Kisses. Being tired. Watching Louis (C.K.).
I am alive today. The sun is shining. My son gave me a booklet of division problems for my birthday. I have treats for my coworkers in my backpack.
Life is good.