Why are moms still worried about being there (& maybe not being present where they are)?

The most popular posts on this blog by far are the series I wrote about Erika Komisar’s book, Being There. You can read those posts here and here (and save yourself the time you might otherwise waste on the book itself).

First, I feel a lot of gratitude that folks are finding there way here for an alternate point of view. Like, I’m really grateful!

But I also wonder: Why are parents (moms, I’m guessing) still interested in the book?

As I write this, my youngest is shooting daggers at me every time I take my eyes off her as she has her swimming lesson (I guess she’s judging my presence… or lack thereof), and I am perhaps more humbled by my parenting journey than I was when I wrote my review(s) of Being There.

In the time since I wrote my review of Being There, we have all had our share of struggles and changes in our house. My career has changed directions (in ways that are both scary and exciting and exhausting). I’ve entered a new phase of life (shout out to perimenopause!). I’m now mom to an amazing teenager. And while I still cherish cuddles with my youngest, we’ve definitively moved out of the phase of having a baby/young child.

I have embraced more and more that we are all imperfect. That things never go as planned. That no matter what I do or don’t do, control is an illusion. That life is messy and beautiful. That small moments of joy can carry me through.

And I still stand by my take on Komisar’s book. Even on the days that I wonder silently to myself, “are their struggles my fault?” I never for one moment think I’d do it differently in terms of career, family structure, childcare, etc.

And neither should you! You are doing great and deserve to live confidently, embracing all aspects of your life!

We parents should seek advice from only from those “experts” who support our journeys and our struggles. Luckily there no shortage of folks who can fill that role. People like Dr. Becky Kennedy and Dr. Lisa Damour who challenge us to be better parents without challenging our life choices or circumstances. Jennifer Siebel Newsom challenges us to re-think parenting and household work without relying on gender stereotypes. They are vulnerable with us, not standing in judgment. They present scientific studies in ways that expand our possibilities for parenting rather than boxing us in.

And we can use this collective knowledge to support our peers, whether it’s the other parents in your office, the parents you chat with at school drop-off or at the playground, or your friends who are also in the thick of it with parenting and life.

Every day, I wonder: What does it mean to successfully raise a child? I don’t think I’m alone (especially based on the viewership of these posts on this blog) in worrying that I fall short more often than not. But giving space to those who make us feel worse, who don’t lift us up, who don’t understand us is a waste of our precious time and attention.

Let’s make a pact: let’s do our best, learn from our kids & our mistakes, savor the joy, and let go of the rest.

You deserve to be at peace with your parenting. And your kids do, too.